


my heart is coloured blue

by thestarsalonecantell



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, References to Depression, and all the stuff that comes with it, doyoung and taeyong are ex boyfriends, doyoung is depressed, one description of violence, ten is a bartender, thats it, they both drunk, yuta glares at doyoung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 14:02:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15973817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestarsalonecantell/pseuds/thestarsalonecantell
Summary: "So, he took the easy route (the coward’s route) and started looking, not to solve the problem, but to erase memory of its existence, seeking a temporary escape from the lead weight in his stomach that he can never seem to shift.It has been said that ignorance is bliss."alternatively: a semi-drunk Dongyoung meets his drunk ex in a bar.





	my heart is coloured blue

**Author's Note:**

> well i wrote this at 3am apparently but i don't remember writing it
> 
> hence it's very short and very sad bc i was sad as fuck all of yesterday and that was probably how this mess was born
> 
> please read the tags and make your decision about whether this fic is okay for you to read... i dont want anyone to finish this worse off than they started (unless, of course, you are affected by the aNgSt).
> 
> title from blue by bolbbalgan 4 (great song give it a listen)
> 
> @/thestarsalone come yell at me for writing this mildly unpleasant piece of trash

It would be vaguely saddening, Dongyoung thinks, that he ends up here all too often, if he could only feel it. He’s not quite sure when it started- maybe when he left, maybe when Dongyoung realised he wasn’t coming back, maybe when the ache in his chest turned into an empty space that he can’t fill, no matter how hard he might try. So, he took the easy route (the coward’s route) and started looking, not to solve the problem, but to erase memory of its existence, seeking a temporary escape from the lead weight in his stomach that he can never seem to shift. 

 

It has been said that ignorance is bliss. 

 

When he walks up to the bar, bartender waving at him like an old friend, he can’t bring himself to care all that much about the sorry state of his life. Sitting down on one of the stools, he sucks in a breath. Even the simple, thoughtless action feels like it draws upon his last reserves of energy. “Whiskey, please.” he mutters to the bartender, who shakes his head, but smiles all the same.

 

“You know, I’m beginning to worry about the alarming frequency of your visits.” Despite his words, a shot is placed on the bar in front of Dongyoung, who picks it up. 

 

“I doubt you’d care if I keeled over on the way out, so long as I gave you a good tip.” Dongyoung swirls the shot around a little, looks over the top of it at the bartender, who seems a little shocked for a moment before composing himself. 

 

“Well, not all of us are as cynical as you are, Do, so I’d at least call you a taxi or something. After that, you’re on your own.” He giggles, and Dongyoung looks at his nametag. Ten. After all these meetings, he hadn’t even considered putting in the effort to learn his name. What’s the point?

 

He drinks his shot, relishing the burn as it goes down his throat and putting the glass back on the table. He wonders what would happen if he were to crush it, how the glass would feel slicing open his hand. He wonders if it would be worth it, just to feel something so unlike the numb monotony that has become his life, has become him. 

 

He decides against it, instead ordering another shot of whiskey. Then another, and another. 

 

Things continue like this until someone sits next to him, interrupting his routine. Dongyoung’s eyes refuse to focus enough to determine the identity of the person, so he settles for thinking it’s another idiot that wants to try his luck. Until he hears the voice, saying, “Hello, beautiful.”

 

That shocks him back into reality- the voice is  _ Taeyong’s _ , albeit slurred, deeper and  so much happier than the last time he heard it, but Dongyoung could recognise that voice from a mile off. He considers leaving, turning around and walking out of the door right now because this isn’t what he wanted to happen at all. Then he decides against it, because he’s missed Taeyong so much, and it’s evident that the elder won’t remember anything tomorrow morning, he’s always been a lightweight. Dongyoung’s also a little drunk, which heavily influences his decision.

 

Against his better judgement, he replies, “Hello yourself… beautiful.” And Taeyong is; always has been, really, even when he’s shouting at Dongyoung and storming out of his life. His beauty is the kind that you can’t believe exists, like the rush of a clear icy waterfall or a cluster of bluebells hidden behind a tree. It’s the kind of beauty that made Dongyoung feel like maybe this life is worth sticking around for. 

 

“What’s someone like you doing in a place like this?” That makes Dongyoung laugh, even if it’s bitter, tinged with despair and regret. He longs to tell Taeyong  _ you’re drunk, go home _ , but he knows that he can’t give himself away. Not now, while Taeyong doesn’t recognise him. He has nothing to lose, anyway. His dignity, his pride, even his emotion… all have been lost. What more is there to humanity?

 

“Trying to feel.” He answers. It’s honest- perhaps more honest than he’d ever been when they were together. “What about you?”

 

“My friends wanted me to forget.” Taeyong says. “They want me to forget about the love of my life, the man I walked away from because of my stupid pride. Because that’s a piece of 

cake.” He scoffs, and that’s when Dongyoung learns that Taeyong feels a little bitter too.

 

He doesn’t think he should be listening to this; actually, he knows that he shouldn’t be listening to this when Taeyong has no idea who he’s talking to, but he’s selfish. Dongyoung is selfish, and he’s awful, but hearing that Taeyong misses him just as much twists something in his heart. He doesn’t know whether it’s good or bad, but it’s an emotion, so he’ll take it. At this point, he’s desperate for anything.

 

He does know, however, that Taeyong’s friend Yuta has caught sight of them, and is glaring at him from across the bar. Dongyoung isn’t shocked or offended, he knows that he deserves this, that he and Taeyong split up for a reason. However, he can’t help but wish for things he know won’t happen- he loved, still loves, Taeyong with everything he has, leaving nothing for himself. Unhealthy, Dongyoung knows, which is why he makes the decision that tears his now empty heart once again, and he stands up.

 

“Maybe he’ll come back,” he whispers, “once he’s got his own problems sorted out.” He pauses, wondering whether he should say what he was about to say, but the five shots of whiskey get the better of him in the end. “He loves you so much.” 

 

Taeyong’s eyes widen in realisation, he reaches out, and manages to get out, “Do-” before Dongyoung is leaving, clumsily, with alcohol fogging his brain, the lead weight still in his stomach but his heart in his mouth. 

 

They say ignorance is bliss. Now Dongyoung knows the meaning of that more than ever, knowing what he does but being able to do nothing about it. It’s difficult, so difficult, because his love for Taeyong is always a background hum in the sea of loneliness, but he doesn’t love himself much at all. 

 

For now, he has to let Taeyong go, again. This time, it’s his own decision, and he doesn’t know whether it hurts more or less than it did last time, he doesn’t know much at all. 

 

He can only hope that Taeyong will take him back, once Dongyoung can affirm with absolute clarity that the love he has for Taeyong is equal to that he has for himself. But if that doesn’t happen, Dongyoung will have gained the strength to move on- for good.


End file.
